New Journey

Why do I always lose my way? I started this year so confident about where I was going in life, and now I just feel lost. I keep wondering if I made the right decision here, or there, and can I really do this? I made a decision a year ago to go through with a surgery I knew would change my life. They key to it is being mentally prepared for the changes. I really thought I could handle it. I do believe I was wrong. 

Last year around this time I was preparing for a new journey in life. I was finally getting weight loss surgery. I had been needing it for years but finding the a doctor who would accept my insurance was a challenge. I found one in November of 2015 and started on the process of getting approved and ready. July of 2016 I had my surgery.  I was so pumped and ready for what was waiting for me in my future. A brand new me.  The first month was awesome. I was so happy and felt wonderful. I was running on this high, and then I crashed. So hard. Never felt so low, so hopeless…I just didn’t have motivation to do anything.  I stopped working out, I stopped crafting, I just stopped everything. I was still losing weight…so I figured that’s all that mattered.  By Christmas I was feeling a bit better, more like myself, got back to doing stuff, and had a new counselor by then too.  He made a lot of the difference.  He wasn’t about to start pushing me into doing things I didn’t want to do or was ready to do.  I became happy again. So I thought. Since then it’s been up and down. At the start of this year I had a plan. I was going to get a job, go back to school, and eventually move my daughter and I out of my parent’s house.  Things happen, life happens, and it all just gets in the way. I changed my choice of school a few times because of financial issues. I decided a job and school would be too much so I’m focusing on school for now.  Which in turn means no moving will be done. As far as my weight, yeah I lost over 100 lbs and my health, in some ways, greatly improved. I’m not where I want to be.  I’m not motivated in any way. I’m just down.  All the time.  I even tried putting myself out there to date….it’s been a while.  That hasn’t gone too well. I guess I’m at a point in my life where games aren’t fun, but apparently a lot of “adults” like to play them.  Sure, if all I want is a good roll in the bed…I have options. I’d much rather a person to just hold, talk to, kiss, and be with. I guess it’ll happen, eventually. I started school a few days ago, so far so good. I’m more worried about the fall. I’m worried I will fail again. I know if I keep thinking like that, I will. So much is happening this summer even, that I just hope I can cope. I am hoping I will be ok. Some nights I wonder about that. I wonder, Will I be ok? Will I drown in all this sadness? Can I, or am I, strong enough to keep going even when I don’t want to? Times like that I have to just look at my daughter and keep on going. She’s depending on me. Even though the idea that she does even overwhelms me more at times…I just have to keep going. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Running On Empty

For the longest now I’ve been feeling completely defeated in life. It’s not like life is going horribly wrong right now. in fact I just started school again, spending the summer doing activities with my daughter, and connecting with people.However, I feel completely alone, sad, and done. I can’t shake the feeling no matter what I do or who I talk to. Seems like no one can say the right thing. I get so low I feel like everyone and everything would just be better if I was gone. Sometimes I feel forgotten by friends or only needed at certain times and then left to rot. I know my daughter needs me all the time, I know she loves me and I know I need to always be there for her…..but I feel like I’m failing her too. Like I’m just not enough for her. I could have done better. I get so frustrated with her when she’s always talking to me and bugging me about stuff, but it’s me, not her. I just feel like I want to be alone……………but then I really don’t because I hate being alone. Alone is when I think….my mind isn’t kind to me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve always had hope, tried to be positive, just now it all seems to be fading away and I could care less.  I’m about at the end of the road here. I don’t know which way to go anymore.